#181 Let yourself "not feel" too

Finding safety in not feeling anything

Hello friend,

The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.

I let myself feel it all as much as I could. I felt the euphoria of being liked, desired, and seen. I also welcomed when it was replaced by feelings of anxiety and the fear of rejection and abandonment.

I stepped into my body as much as I could, despite the constant demands of my mind to make sense of what was happening. My ego wanted to complain and project those feelings onto the person who had triggered everything.

But I resisted that temptation as much as I could. Instead, I tried to move inwards.

It led me to feel my younger self as I sat with him, and we both cried together, seeing and acknowledging each other. While I learned to connect with him and committed to no longer abandon him, I also felt a new feeling of relief in my chest as it opens up every time I come back to my center.

I seem to have found a new sense of safety in my body that it is okay to feel everything. It was exhausting but worth it.

However, over the last couple of days, everything seems to have slowed down.

After the rollercoaster had settled, I realized that I was feeling blank. It was not numbness because I could still feel my center as I got more used to being with myself. It is more like an emotional neutral. I found it difficult to get excited about work or anything in general. I was not feeling 'it'.

As I shared my past few weeks with my therapist today, she told me, "You have been doing really well in regulating yourself with active inner work in the past few weeks. It must have been really exhausting. So, give yourself some space and grace. But, more importantly, I think chasing excitement in work or in general could again throw you in a loop. What those intense feelings showed you were the patterns you needed to break. But you don't need to continue to chase them to live from the place of your authentic self. Let yourself feel this calmer, steady or even 'nothing' state too. See what comes up then. Act from there."

It would be an understatement to say this made sense. I began to breathe easy into the nothingness, too. I could still feel my sense of self in that state of non-feeling.

I realized it was also okay and safe not to feel anything.

Of course, realization is one thing. Embodiment is different. It takes time. Before writing this, I was again struggling to cope with feelings of nothingness or emptiness. I procrastinated for almost 2 hours before I sat down to write.

But, I was able to tune in within myself, reminding myself, “I am still here. It is okay to feel like this also. Not feeling anything is okay. Stay with it. See what emerges.”

And guess what? This edition is what finally emerged! :)

Thanks for reading, as always! :)

Until next time,
Love,
Ved